It’s taken me a very long time to properly love and accept who I am. Looking back now, I finally understand why I struggled so much with my hometown in Borneo – and why I’m grateful I can see it differently today.
Growing Up Different in Small-Town Malaysia
I was born in a small town on Borneo island in Malaysia. Growing up there wasn’t easy. I was quite feminine as a kid, and people didn’t hold back with the name-calling – “sissy,” “camp” – all from a really young age. When you’re constantly told you’re different, and not in a good way, you start believing it.
I hated myself for being different. And gradually, I started hating the place itself – my hometown, my island, everything that reminded me of feeling like an outsider.
I spent most of my childhood and teenage years glued to video games, hiding from the world. Even though I failed some subjects in secondary school, I managed to graduate with a Diploma in Computer Science. That qualification was my golden ticket – it got me into university in the UK, which meant I could finally escape.
Finding Myself in That First Decade
When I moved to the UK, I thought I’d left all that pain behind. But for the first few years, going back home was brutal. Every visit reminded me of the judgement, the intrusive questions, those sideways looks. So I stayed away as much as possible, missing out on so much in the process.
I tried really hard to change myself, to be “normal.” But here’s the thing about sexual orientation: it’s not something you can change. What you can change is how you see yourself.
After nearly ten years in the UK, something shifted. I started accepting who I am. I began travelling, meeting inspiring people, and living a healthier lifestyle. All of that transformed me from the inside out, and I genuinely started to like the person I was becoming.
I’ve been in the UK for almost 20 years now, and that first decade of self-discovery set the foundation for everything that followed.
Discovering Borneo With New Eyes
Three years ago, my mum had a stroke. I knew I needed to spend more time with her, so I started going back to Borneo regularly. And something unexpected happened – I actually started enjoying being there.
With each trip back, I began exploring the island properly. I spent time in Kota Kinabalu this year, really taking everything in. The lush rainforests, stunning coastlines, vibrant sunsets over the South China Sea – it was all breathtaking.
I visited the islands off the coast, immersed myself in the local culture and incredible food. Every corner seemed to reveal something beautiful I’d never appreciated before.
The Island Hadn’t Changed – I Had
That’s when it hit me: the island hadn’t changed. I had changed.
All those years, I thought the problem was the place – the people, the small-town mentality, the judgement. But the truth is, it was me all along. I couldn’t appreciate where I came from because I didn’t love myself. How could I see the beauty around me when I couldn’t see any beauty in who I was?
Coming to the UK gave me the space I needed to grow into myself, to figure out who I was without constantly being reminded I was “different.” And yes, things back home have changed too. But more importantly, I’ve changed. I’m not that scared, self-hating kid anymore.
All The Beauty I’d Been Missing
The beaches, the mountains like Mount Kinabalu, the wildlife. The warm hospitality of the people. It was all there waiting for me. I just needed to find myself first.
The incredible biodiversity of Borneo, the rich cultural tapestry – it made me realise how much I’d missed. Not because I’d been away, but because even when I was there, I wasn’t really there. I was too busy hating myself to see what was right in front of me.
Do I regret not loving myself earlier? Absolutely. I wish I could have embraced who I was sooner. But I’m finally happy with who I am now, and that’s what matters most.
A Message to Anyone Leaving Home
If you feel like you need to leave your hometown to be yourself, I get it. Sometimes distance is exactly what we need to grow. But I hope you get the chance to come back one day – not as the person who ran away, but as someone who’s found themselves and can finally appreciate where they came from.
Home looks completely different when you’ve learnt to love yourself. The island was always beautiful. I just needed to become someone who could see it.
